Your fintech horoscope
FinTech Futures’ very own Mystic Git outlines your futures.
Satire
Transport for London ruins our day with fintech start-up launch
New subsidiary is called Total Failures Limited.
More fintech words enter the dictionary
Neologisms include alcotoll, enterpainer and quizdain.
Fintech journalist seeks £1m funding to stay in London
“Everyone else is getting funding. So why not me.”
Fintech rock band storms the charts
To those about to rock in a sensible manner we salute you.
Fintech tour Heaven: holier than thou takes a bow
Onward, fintech soldiers, marching as to explore.
“Game changer” Jargon Bank celebrates arbitrary milestone
It’s back. And as vague as ever.
Fintech tour Hell: hot enough for you?
Better to reign in Hell than lose your verve in Heaven.
“Misery” for fintech journalist kidnapped by PR exec
And forced to write a jargon-saturated news report.
Fintech journalist shares pointless predictions for 2018
The catastrophic catalogue of conjectures.
UK start-up secures inevitable Hollywood movie sequel
With unerring predictability, the Hollywood movie machine has churned out a sequel for the energetic and eventful life story of a UK-based payments start-up. As reported in May, the rise of Charon Ferries, the creation of the husband and wife team of Michelle and Mark Morrison (who have defied all known laws of the universe […]
Journalist refuses to leave fintech conference
For probably the first time in the generic and platitude-drenched world of fintech, a journalist is refusing to leave a conference. In the charming city of Amsterdam, at the end of the inaugural four-day show “If You’re API And You Know It, Keep It to Yourself for Once – 2017”; delegates, security and organisers were […]
Fintech firms unrelated to acquisition offer running commentary
For reasons that probably lie in the lack of a marketing and sales budget, the acquisition of payments provider Bantam Banana (don’t ask) by fintech behemoth Moby Trick (founded by Merman Helville) has prompted a flurry of comments from companies that have sweet F.A. to do with the event. Financial terms of the acquisition were […]
“Game changer” Jargon Bank appoints sales director
The fintech world has been left breathless and bewitched by the stunning revelation that UK-based challenger Jargon Bank has appointed a sales director. As reported last year, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products. This was followed in February with a payments app update; an office move in March; and a cat […]
Dentist unveils payments start-up for millennials
It’s not enough for the fintech world to be sick to the back teeth of the “millennials would rather visit their dentist than listen to their bank” quote – but we now have yet another UK payments start-up – this time launched by an actual dentist. On the dirt-encrusted and pothole-festooned streets of the UK, […]
Fintech billionaire wolf whistles during meeting to address sexism
The career of an elderly billionaire lies in tatters after he decided that a meeting to address sexism in the fintech industry was the right time to wolf whistle at the crowd and boast about his sexual exploits. David Blooperman, CEO and founder of identity and internet of things service provider ID-IOT, was invited to […]
Cat fools bank’s voice biometric system
A UK bank has been left with its tail between its legs after its “state-of-the-art and highly secure” voice biometric system was bypassed by a cat. “Game changer” Jargon Bank, which launched last year (and updated its app and moved office), is reeling from the feline fraudster and the media wants answers. And boy does […]
UK start-up success story becomes Hollywood movie
The glorious rags to riches tale of a UK start-up has caught the cold, beady eye of Hollywood and been transformed into a well-polished and formulaic movie. Charon Ferries, a London-based payments firm, is the brainchild of the husband and wife team of Mark and Michelle Morrison. (Recently married, and still happy. Give it a […]
Deputy editor replaced by robot
Banking Technology’s deputy editor, Antony Peyton, has been replaced by an artificial intelligence (AI) powered robot – paving the way for scintillating journalism free from acidic remarks and unfettered bouts of sarcasm. With the relentless rise of AI and robots, it was only a matter of time before a journalist would be thrown on the […]
“Game changer” Jargon Bank moves office
UK-based challenger Jargon Bank has taken the fintech world to new levels of rapture with the move of its London office 100 metres down the road. As Banking Technology reported last year, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products, which raised more questions than answers. This was followed in February with an […]
Fintech journalist thrilled to receive glossy brochure
A fintech journalist has reached the pinnacle of his career after being given a glossy brochure at the conference “Blockchain and Brexit – tenuously linked over four days”. Jaded hack and scarecrow impersonator Eugene Egmont, reporter at Flabbergasted by Fintech, approached a firm’s stand at the event with good intentions – a quick and lively […]
“Game changer” Jargon Bank updates an app
UK-based challenger Jargon Bank has updated its “revolutionary” mobile payments app from version 1.1 to version 1.2. As Banking Technology reported in December, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products that left journalists diving for cover… usually to the nearest pubs. Now it’s back with a 2,000-word press release that contains so […]
British public stunned by success of UK fintech
The dynamic and successful world of UK fintech has left the British public shocked as they’ve become numbed to shoddy customer service, invisible trains and useless politicians. Banking Technology took to the litter-strewn and phlegm-coated streets of London to inform the citizens about the nation’s start-ups, innovation, energy and can-do attitude. And to gauge the […]
“Game changer” Jargon Bank launches in UK
Jargon Bank has launched in the UK offering “compelling and innovative” products that have left journalists diving for cover… usually to the nearest pubs. In a press release, that ideally shouldn’t have been sent, the hipster-friendly bank decided that wishy-washy and generic statements would somehow garner the respect of fintech publications across the world. Serial […]
