“Game changer” Jargon Bank appoints sales director
Breaking news… as in you will start breaking things when you hear from this bank
The fintech world has been left breathless and bewitched by the stunning revelation that UK-based challenger Jargon Bank has appointed a sales director.
As reported last year, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products. This was followed in February with a payments app update; an office move in March; and a cat fooling its voice biometric system in May.
In its latest display of unremitting horror, the bank has released a flowery 6,000-word press release that makes the pompous novels of Will Self read like the scribblings of “TV celebrity” Danny Dyer.
Fintech’s very own “platitude dispenser”, Tarquin Ponsonby, head of marketing at Jargon Bank, welcomed the new employee: “We believe Malcolm Mulletton’s compelling appointment is another huge step forward for our business. Malcolm adds a great deal of expertise and experience [he has been around a while doing the bare minimum], strengthening our global sales function [he’s our only salesperson], and helping us realise our forward-looking growth plans [he needs to sell stuff ASAP].
“In his previous roles, Malcolm was instrumental in delivering challenging sales targets [he claimed credit for other people’s ideas], for displaying compelling leadership [he shouted at people a lot], and for professionalism above and beyond the call of duty [he only reeked of alcohol twice a week].
“Malcolm joins us [he had to leave his previous firm due to harassing a female member of staff] as we target the delivery of compelling fintech visions for a better and fairer banking system [it makes me sound a nicer person]. Our customers remain at the heart of everything we do [this is a job, not a hobby].”
Mulletton’s quotes consist of the customary “I am excited…” and then practically repeat the above. Also, his list of previous jobs seem to be at financial services companies no one ever has heard of. In fact, they look suspiciously like firms from the movies American Psycho and Glengarry Glen Ross.
Across nations great and small, fintech journalists fought tooth and nail to write this story. They pleaded with their editors for an opportunity that may never come again. Or at least not until next week.
Stephanie Sylvain, senior reporter at the caustic and hard-edged publication Fintech! Duh!, responds: “I find this story intriguing. But for all the wrong reasons. Its length transcends space and time. On reading it, I often felt I had entered a time loop where the same words kept reappearing again and again.
“There was also the horrendous and pretentious use of language – it was more annoying than the facial expressions of Simon Cowell.
“In addition, the two-week embargo was an interesting touch. Perhaps Ponsonby felt it would allow excitement to wash over me? Or add a touch of suspense? Notions I must sadly dispel. It was completely unnecessary as Mulletton had already updated his LinkedIn profile. What was Ponsonby thinking? In fact, does he even think?”
Helen Halibuthby, reporter at the retro-styled magazine Bankety-Bank (its logo is a chequebook and pen), adds: “I must commend the bank’s PR agency for ringing me ten minutes after sending the email. That was a nice touch to check if I had got the email. It’s another layer of tedium in my 12-hour day and gloriously ushers in a new dimension of delight.
“The PR person really should be given an award – which, I am reliably informed, they can collect in the ninth circle of Hell.
“Although, after reading another press release from Jargon Bank, it feels like I’m already there.”
